Could it be, we are the not sane ones- Maybe Sabotagers?

So I had a thought this morning that maybe its not a sane boyfriend I need, maybe it me that needs to become sane? Maybe I am the one who's off their rocker. Its possible.

I noticed today that I maybe I'm a self sabotager.

I have been a huge advocate of the Secret since it was introduced to me by my sister a few months ago. And I have to say I think it works. I wanted a New car, a house, to start working out, a new laptop, I even wanted a relationship. And I was given a Laptop, didn't buy it, and I meet the man of the hour, and even started working out.

Now if the Secret really is the hidden key to life, and if thoughts turn into action, a statement that is one every ones mind since Oprah introduced the Secret to billions. Then am I sabotaging my relationship? Maybe my thoughts are to powerful?

So Last night "F" left for Miami for the weekend, and since things are going not as well as I would like at the moment, my thought ran amok. Literally. For about 4 hours I had "he wasn't going to call me before he left" run back and forth in my head. Too the point that I was so angry, fuming. I even called to see if his phone went straight to voice mail, and it rang 4 rings until voice mail, meaning it was on. So then why was I still upset? I knew he wasn't on plane. But the power of my worse case scenario thoughts were over powering the rational ones. To the point that when he did call, when he got to the airport, I was so upset I was the bitch!

Does this make sense? I am so sick of this self sabotaging act I pull. Why is it I am pushing, so hard, away something I want so bad? Insecurities, fear of the pain again?

My friend Faith, ironical, has no faith in Love anymore. She is literally, she says it, settling for a man that claims to love her, that she doesn't love, just so that she can grantee a child before she is 30. Now does that make sense? But that is years of bad relationships taking its toll on her. She doesn't want to give her heart. She protects that at the price of Happiness.

Questions here, is am I doing this backwards. Have all the years of bad relationship turned me into a relationship sabotager? Should I be taken note from Faith. I already know I love him, but am I putting my negative thoughts into actions just to push him away before he can hurt me?

Maybe the blog should read - One sane Girl to go?

I would like to order one sane "boyfriend" please, to go...

Just like the movie "As Good As it Gets" (Thanks Rah):

Carol: Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one that doesn't go nuts on me!
Carol's Mom: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.

Hold on, does it really not exist? But all those happy made for TV cheesy crappy movies, and the romantic comedies all are made to make you think other wise. But, coe to think of it, I have never had one and well... does the normal boyfriend exist?

Yes I know, what exactly is normal? No one can describe normal. What about boyfriend that doesn't go nuts on you? Is that so far fetched? One that doesn't pick a fight with you over the volume of his tv. Or one that doesn't make you mad/cry, just so he can turn around tell you he did it on purpose , and then gives you a huge bouqet of flowers, like it going to make it all better. Is it really that far fetched to want a normal boyfriend?

Everybody knows relationships are hard, but when is too much too much? How much is enough, and when do you get past enough to done??

I have been dating this guy for a little over 5 months now. And when we meet the attraction was there and that grew into big relationship very quickly. And unfortunately I am hopelessly in love with him which makes some decisions about what to do next, hard.

I meet him just before holidays and it as great, had him all through Thanksgiving to Christmas, even went away with him at New Years. But once things settled down and back to the post-holiday world. Things have just changed.

I mean granted we were thrown into a full fledged relationship long before "normal" people are. Our families meet and get along, to the point that his mom is going to visit mom this summer, (SCARY!). He comes to family dinners, and my friends ask for him if he isn't around.

Don't get me wrong he is the sweetest guy but he has had his share of heart break. Heartbreak that effects us. And I am standing by quietly, but when is enough enough.

Right now, the dynamics in our relationship has changed. We have gone from seeing each other everyday to now barely seeing each other. (I picked a law student) He is in class all the time and he is stressed out and I have my own issues and am stressed out. But I feel like every time I try to do anything I am getting snapped at. I feel stuck.

So now what? Can I keep having random fights over things I can't control, or things that shouldn't be fought about? All of this is taking its toll on me. But I am not trying to give up. I am praying and manifesting that "this too shall pass". But when is enough, enough?

So this is my blog just about trying to figure out if its possible to have just one sane boyfriend...